


Come to Understand

by Lumeleo



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: FtM Atobe Keigo, Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-22
Updated: 2018-09-22
Packaged: 2019-07-15 18:43:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16069031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumeleo/pseuds/Lumeleo
Summary: When Sanada misunderstands something he sees at a practice camp, Atobe gets afraid. Once the truth is clear, Sanada tries to make up for his failure, and finds out some truths of his own.





	Come to Understand

The first thing Atobe knew was that someone had just thrown him against the wall.

It really made it clear just how careless he had gotten. Most of the time he didn’t even think about these things anymore, beyond the obvious fact that he did at least seek out a private moment to get his shot done during practice camp. He should have at least locked himself in the bathroom to get it over with, but no, he’d had to be careless enough to get his things out in the bedroom. After all, he only shared it with one person, surely they wouldn’t barge in right this moment? But no, he had to be careless and Sanada had to have the worst timing ever.

“What the hell, Atobe?” Sanada snarled, his eyes blazing. “I thought you were better than this shit.”

“What are you talking about?” Atobe was uncomfortably aware that his voice was shaking, but he was pretty sure he could be forgiven. His thigh was still sore, he’d barely even got the syringe out, and suddenly he was being assaulted.

“Don’t play stupid.” Sanada pushed him even harder against the wall. “Doping? What the hell are you thinking?”

“Wait.” Atobe blinked. “You… you think I’m…”

“What the fuck else am I supposed to think?” Sanada actually growled at him. “You think I didn’t just see you injecting yourself?”

“There’s more than one kind of drug, thanks. But sure, assault me first and ask questions later.” Somehow Atobe managed to regain enough composure to narrow his eyes at Sanada. “Is this how you get off? You feel like a big strong man when you threaten people with violence?”

Apparently this got under Sanada’s skin enough to make him back off a little. Not much, he was still definitely looming, but at least Atobe didn’t feel like his breath was going to be cut off any moment. “All I want is answers.”

“Well, you’re not likely to get them if I’m fearing for my safety.”

“You have no reason to fear if you have not done anything wrong.” Oh, if only that were true.

“And I have no obligation to share my private information with you. My injections are medical and prescribed by my doctor, because I can barely function without them.” God knew the dysphoria gave him bad days even with the regular shots.

“Then you have no reason to fear me.” And yet Sanada was still glaring at him. “Why would you refuse to answer if you have nothing to hide?”

He should have insisted on his right to privacy, should have deflected, should have done anything but actually give Sanada what he wanted. However, Atobe was hardly at his most composed right now. “Perhaps because people like me get literally killed, every day, just for being found out? Because sometimes I feel like I’m one missed shot and a bad day away from jumping in the pool and not coming up? But no, you feel you have the right to demand answers, my privacy and safety be damned, so you use violence to get your way. Yet somehow, I’m the one standing on trial.”

Sanada actually looked taken aback at that. Good. “Well! Perhaps you should expect to be questioned if you’re injecting strange substances at tennis camp!”

“Oh, I did, which is why I tried to do it with as much privacy as I could in these circumstances. You know, for my own safety, because I do not appreciate being assaulted.” He managed to push Sanada away now, starting to gather up his things. The last thing he needed was anyone else coming in and seeing his syringes and such lying around. “Not that it’s any of your business, but my body does not produce regular male levels of testosterone. My hormone levels are constantly monitored by my doctor, so even if I tried to gain some sort of advantage, it would get noticed.” Atobe couldn’t help but snort. “Out of all the people in this camp, I’m the only one with actual medical proof that my testosterone levels are within permitted levels.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” God, was Sanada ever going to stop frowning? Maybe it was just stuck to his face by now. “If you have such a simple explanation, why would you fear for your safety, never mind your life?”

“Oh, it’s not simple at all.” Somehow, he managed a twisted little smirk, though he felt anything but amused. “Apparently a hormonal imbalance suddenly becomes a crime when it’s caused by being born with the wrong genitalia.”

Sanada was quiet for a while, enough so that Atobe was starting to wonder if he’d broken the man. At least there was no sudden burst of violence, which was a plus. Though that was quite possibly simply because Sanada hadn’t caught on yet.

“Wait.” Right, so apparently that was how long it had taken Sanada to put together what wasn’t as much the puzzle pieces as a direct admission. “You mean… you are…”

“A trans man, yes. Do you need an explanation on what that means?”

“I… no. I just… I never expected…”

“Good. I’m not exactly going around announcing it to anyone and everyone.” His hands were still shaking. Damn it. “What, not going to argue? Maybe tell me to get off the boys’ circuit?”

“The measure of a man is in his soul.” Trust Sanada to turn even this into some philosophical thing. “Your actions have given me no reason to doubt the fact that you are a man. As long as there is no unfair advantage, I have no problem with you trying to get your body to agree.”

“It’s not your permission I need, but I suppose that’s better than the opposite scenario.” Certainly better than what he had expected when Sanada had him pinned against a wall. “I am not exactly a huge fan of getting murdered over something I can’t help.”

“Atobe.” Sanada actually had the gall to sound shocked. “Do you truly think I would do such a thing?”

“You literally threw me against a wall before you even knew what was going on. Can you truly blame me for not trusting that I am safe around you?”

For all his lofty words about honor, Atobe was still rather surprised to see Sanada looking actually contrite. “…No, I can not. Which simply means I need to work all the harder to prove myself to you.”

“All I need from you is not trying to beat me up for existing. That, and not spreading this around. Not everyone is going to be as understanding.”

“…Your privacy and safety.” Well, what do you know, Sanada had actually been listening. “I… suppose I understand now why you would value those so.”

“Well, for the record, people are allowed to value those without explaining themselves to you.” Atobe finished cleaning up his things and hiding them deep in his bag. “Maybe try to remember that the next time you’re tempted to use violence to get your way.”

“I will make it up to you.” Somehow Sanada made that sound like a solemn vow. “I can’t take back my honorless actions, but that, at least, I can promise.”

“I already told you, all I need from you is keeping your mouth shut and not giving me any more bruises.” Atobe walked to the door, then paused, looking over his shoulder. “And so help me, if you even think of going easy on me on the court, I swear to God I’m going to rip your balls off so we can truly be on even ground.”

Sanada didn’t respond, but Atobe supposed that in this situation silence was the best acknowledgement he could hope for.

*

Sanada could not stop looking at Atobe.

He was doing his best, of course, he hardly wanted to draw too much attention on himself, but no matter how many times he turned his eyes back to his breakfast he found them wandering over to the usual group of Hyoutei players in a corner of the dining hall. Atobe was being unusually quiet, letting his players keep the conversation going while he focused on eating. Atobe seemed deep in thought, and a part of Sanada wondered if that wasn’t because of him. He certainly couldn’t blame Atobe if that were the case. Sanada had acted entirely without honor.

“Genichirou.” He snapped his gaze up, finding Seiichi smiling at him. “Are we by any chance boring you?”

“Of course not.” Sanada shook his head. “I just don’t have much to add.” Why was Seiichi even asking? It wasn’t like Sanada was ever talkative.

“Well, if it would make things easier, I suppose we could just talk about Atobe instead.”

Sanada stared at his friend, hoping against hope to find some clue that he had heard wrong. All he got was an even wider smile from Seiichi, because he was the true demon on the team. “…I don’t understand.”

“Oh, I’m sure you don’t.” Seiichi chuckled. “Honestly, Genichirou. It’s not exactly new that you keep glancing at Atobe, but today you can hardly take your eyes off him.”

“I suppose he might have finally faced the truth of his feelings.” Renji gave a solemn nod. “I certainly hope so. This farce has been introducing variables into my data for years now.”

“What are you talking about?” Sanada frowned. Not that it was entirely unprecedented that he didn’t understand what Renji was going on about, not even that Renji and Seiichi were apparently conspiring against him, but right now he didn’t have the slightest inkling of what they were aiming at.

“Are you really playing stupid now?” Marui of all people pointed at Sanada with his chopsticks, because Marui did not have any sort of manners sometimes. Sanada was half convinced it was simply so he could bicker with Jackal about it. “They’re talking about your crush on Atobe. You know, the massive one that’s probably visible from space?”

Sanada was taken aback. “I — there is no such thing!” Really, the very idea was just preposterous. “Atobe is merely an excellent rival!”

“Yeah, sure. Because every time you’re complaining about your rivals you end up rambling about how their deep blue eyes are just unfairly distracting. Wait, no, that’s just when it’s Atobe.” Niou smirked. “Yanagi timed you last time. Pretty sure you broke three minutes on the topic of Atobe’s face.”

“Three minutes, twenty-seven seconds, to be precise.” Apparently even Renji was against him now. “Though I suppose we should give Genichirou the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure he would not lie to us about such things.”

“Thank you.” The mere idea was ridiculous.

“After all,” Renji continued, his expression not wavering a bit at this clear betrayal, “if there is anyone who could harbor a crush for several years without even realizing, it is Genichirou.” And, really. With friends like this, was it any wonder that he preferred paying attention to Atobe?

At least now Atobe was speaking with his friends, so clearly he had overcome whatever upset Sanada had caused.

*

When Sanada got back to his room in the evening, Atobe wasn’t there.

That in itself wouldn’t have been so strange, except he did find someone else there. Oshitari was sitting on the bed that was supposed to be Atobe’s, apparently making himself at home with a book in his hand.

Sanada paused in the doorway. “What are you doing here?”

“Hm?” Oshitari glanced up at him, giving Sanada a smirk that did not match the surprisingly cold look in his eyes. “Oh, I’m pretending to be Atobe. He figured he’d rather not involve the camp administrators, so I agreed to switch places with him.”

“But why?” Though Sanada had a sinking feeling he knew exactly why.

“Because Atobe did not feel safe sleeping here.” Now, any hints of a smirk vanished from Oshitari’s face. “Now, Atobe refused to share any details, but from how shaken he was this morning, I can pretty safely guess what this is about. Not many things can get under his skin enough to make him admit any weakness.”

“…It was a misunderstanding.” Which he knew was not an adequate excuse, but it was the only one he could give. “However, I know my reaction was unacceptable. Atobe is well within his rights to want to avoid me.” No matter how badly the idea stung.

“Not like he was asking for your permission.” Oshitari rolled his eyes. “Now, try not to act like an asshole and we can hopefully all get back to normal soon enough.” Apparently this was his final take on the matter, as he turned his attention back to his book.

If Sanada had thought he felt awful that morning, now he somehow managed to feel even worse.

*

Perhaps it was cowardly of him to stay away from Sanada as much as he could, but Atobe decided his peace of mind was more important than his pride in this instance.

It wasn’t that he doubted Sanada’s word, the man could be annoyingly honorable at times. However, trusting him in general was quite different from dealing with the images his mind could summon up late at night, playing the incident over and over in his head. Thankfully Oshitari agreed to his request to switch rooms without too many questions. It would only be a few days until the end of the camp, anyway.

Sanada was not avoiding him, not quite, but there were also no attempts to close the distance that was standard for them. Sanada was perfectly respectful when they were brought together due to practice and refrained from reaching out otherwise, and Atobe was just fine with that. It was almost like nothing had happened, and that was perfect. Pretending that he hadn’t accidentally outed himself to Sanada in perhaps the most awkward way possible was an excellent plan.

By the time the last day of the camp dawned, Atobe was almost convinced that Sanada had also decided to pretend nothing had happened. However, this assumption was shattered when Oshitari walked up to him between the last few matches of the camp tournament, handing him an envelope.

“Was told to give you this.” Oshitari was smirking, which was usually not a good sign, but at least it was likely to foreshadow something annoying rather than anything actually harmful. “I think you’ll want to read it pretty soon.”

“And why would you think that?” Atobe took the envelope gingerly into his hand, not sure if he should actually hold onto it.

“Well, knowing Sanada, you’ll have better luck responding to him in person than trying to call him or something.” And apparently Oshitari thought this was all the introduction that was needed, as he turned around and walked away without another word.

Atobe considered calling him back and demanding an explanation, but then decided against it. Oshitari did have a match to get to, and Atobe could corner him afterwards. Instead, he found himself a relatively calm corner to stand in, opening the envelope. The letter inside was addressed to him, written in careful, neat characters.

“Atobe,

I hope you won’t feel this is a cowardly way of approaching you. I am not very skilled with spoken words at the best of times, and somehow, speaking with you only makes things harder. As such, I wanted to approach you in writing, to hopefully clear up everything between us.

I truly and sincerely apologize for any hurt and discomfort I have caused you. I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, and make no excuses for my behavior. However, I would like to give you something of an explanation.

I have spent these last few days going over the events of that morning in my head. I know my temper is something of a problem at times, but even so, my reaction was entirely out of proportion. After careful examination of my thoughts and feelings, I have come to the conclusion that I acted out of line because the idea of you of all people being dishonest affected me so. You have been one of my most important rivals for a while, and this has only become more true over time. To have doubt cast upon your achievements was too much to bear. Once again, I do not offer this as an excuse, merely an explanation.

Furthermore, the last few days have given me a lot to think about. I was truly disappointed in myself for my lack of self-control, but that did not explain the pain I experienced at knowing I had caused hurt to you of all people. I have come to conclude that I consider you important even beyond the realm of tennis. It is my hope to see you excel in your matches, that is true, and seeing you play at your best fills me with fire. But just the same, seeing you smile makes me feel warm in a very different way. I am not entirely sure I understand this feeling fully yet, but I do not wish to ignore it any more.

You are an excellent rival, and a truly beautiful man. Nothing I have learned has changed any of that. If anything, it has only increased my admiration for your strength and determination, knowing something of the obstacles you have faced along the way.

As I said, I do not hope to ask for your forgiveness. However, I do have a request for you, one that I hope you will consider rather than turn it down out of hand.

Atobe Keigo, you are a truly maddening creature, and sometimes I fear your brightness might blind me some day. Even so, I cannot look away. I know I should, I know it isn’t appropriate of me to think of another man like this, yet I truly cannot help it. I strive to be honest in all my actions, and it would be dishonest indeed of me to deny this.

I would like a chance to prove to you that I have learned from my mistake, if you would allow me that. As such, I hope you would agree to join me for dinner this coming Saturday.

Awaiting your response,

Sanada Genichiro”

Atobe stared at the letter for a moment, then read it again. Finally, he folded it away carefully, tucking it in his pocket. If he remembered the tournament schedule right, Sanada was likely watching Yanagi’s match at the moment.

Sanada was easy enough to spot even in the crowd currently watching the match, all tall and imposing and surrounded by the other Rikkai members who weren’t currently busy with their own matches. Atobe walked right through them, not content to hang at the outside even when he isn’t the center of attention. The Rikkai players let him through without too much trouble, though he was not sure he likes the smirk on some of their faces.

“Sanada.” Sanada waited until Atobe spoke to turn to him, though it was obvious he noticed Atobe’s approach even before. His face was carved of stone, as usual, all frowns and steely gaze, but there was something almost vulnerable hiding at the corners of his eyes. Nobody could fool Atobe’s eyes, after all.

“Atobe.” Sanada folded his arms over his chest, faced his eyes head on. “What is it?”

“Did you actually ask me out on a date?” Perhaps it was too forward, too public in front of all these people, but Atobe didn’t care. If Sanada had wished to keep secrets he should have known better than to involve Atobe like this.

“Hn.” Sanada didn’t waver, didn’t look away. “What if I did?”

“Answer the bloody question.” He resisted the urge to roll his eyes, though only just. It occured to him that he didn’t feel intimidated in the slightest, not even with Sanada looming right in front of him with such a stern look. Perhaps he did trust after all.

“I suppose it could be viewed as such, yes.” Sanada’s frown eased, if only a little. “Does that matter?”

“Well, I was inclined to agree either way, but it’s good to know what exactly I’m getting myself into.” Atobe smirked at the reactions, at the surprised looks from those around them, at the slightest bit of relaxation in Sanada’s frame. Sanada hadn’t been entirely confident of the response, and somehow, that made Atobe feel better about this whole mess.

“Very well.” Sanada didn’t smile, not quite, but it was very close. “I suppose we can agree on the details later?”

“Sounds good to me. I have a match to get ready for, anyway.” Atobe gave Sanada a smile, then turned away. He was under no delusion that this was all solved with such a simple exchange, that they wouldn’t have plenty of things to work through yet, but it was a start. A start that he was willing to work from.

And anything Atobe Keigo worked on was bound to turn out brilliant.

*

Sanada was not stupid enough to think everything was fine just because Atobe had agreed to a date.

He still had to prove himself to the other, had to make up for his failing. He had a feeling he might be making up for it all his life, regardless of Atobe’s forgiveness. After all, he was reminded of his own offense every time someone or something else struck this one chink in Atobe’s otherwise impeccable armor. It was the one thing that would get through Atobe’s endless self-confidence and smirks, the only weakness he would admit to. Even their shared sexuality was not as important, not for Atobe. While Sanada bore any bigotry aimed at him with his usual stoic calm, Atobe seemed to react to any disapproval by flaunting his orientation all the more. Atobe loved fancy fabrics in all shades of purple and making a fuss over his appearance, and if anyone tried to make fun of his appearance or his attraction to men, he would simply smirk and shine all the brighter. It was only when he was accused of being feminine that he would snap back in anger, being called a princess the one insult he could not laugh and overturn on his opponent.

Sanada saw all this, learned to recognize when he should step in and when Atobe could handle himself. The more he saw, the more he realized just how badly the incident must have affected Atobe. This was what had Atobe curled up in bed all day, too torn by his displeasure of his own body and shape, what had him clench his fists with white knuckles over anger and fear and resentment. Sanada could not entirely fix all that, could not shield Atobe from himself any more than he could protect him from all the cruelty of the world, but he could at least offer the comfort of his company and murmur words he feared were all too weak against the bad days. Soon enough Atobe would be his usual self, brilliant and sparkling and confident, and Sanada would find himself falling in love a little bit more each time.

Atobe Keigo was not an easy man to love, but then, Sanada had always liked a challenge.


End file.
